I joined a fitness center last week. It looked quite nice when I was there. I've given a lot of thought to actually going back for a workout at some point...

I was just startled by a sound, until I realized that it was the dog having a drink. Wait, I don't have a dog. But that was the unmistakable sound of a dog lapping water. I flipped on the patio light and caught him in the act; a large, black lab helping himself to a drink from my birdbath. And he had the nerve to bark at me.

I was cooking lunch today and left the kitchen for a minute. When I returned, the Chicken Helper box was simmering on top of the chicken and noodles, held nicely in place by the skillet lid. So, here are two things you now know about me: I don't necessarily cook from scratch, and I can be pretty absentminded.

When I awoke at 3:30 a.m. to use the bathroom I flipped on the lights, which I rarely do. There, right where I would have placed my feet, was a wolf spider. To my bleary, spider-hatin' eyes, it looked like something from a nightmare. After murdering it and doing my business, I returned to bed and shivered at the close call. I tried not to think about his family and friends that may be lurking in the inky shadows. Yep, I think that sealing the hole in the wall left by recent plumbing work just became a top priority.

Careful, the first step's a doozy.

There are several options for the boss' upcoming vacation. (It's listed as an industry board of directors meeting, but who are they kidding?) The options include Horseback Riding on the Beach, Scenic Intracoastal Waterway Tour, Kayaking the Waters, and Deep Sea Fishing Charters, among others. For my upcoming vacation the options are Frig in the Room at the Days Inn and Let's Take Our Own Food to Save Money. The good news is that I don't have to figure out what "Resort Casual Attire" is.

genius marketing?

How can we sell our incredibly lame product? I know, let's get a model who looks uncannily like Robert Redford!